The hardest things in life, it seems, always has something to do with relationships. No matter who you are, it seems the most painful thing is not death but separation, rejection or fear of separation or rejection. I guess overtime the feeling of worthlessness builds up as it feels like noone would ever want to be with you and that the people you try to approach seem to just brush you off. Whether there is any truth to those feelings is another story completely, but it feels so hard to figure out what someone thinks of you from one’s limited perspective.
It always feel like such a gamble to chase after someone, like you’re speeding through a minefield and just hoping you get lucky and survive, or like your speeding through a busy intersection on a red light and hoping you don’t get killed. Maybe I just suck at reading hints and clues but… it feels like it’s always bound for failure. Maybe it is just a big gamble in which you throw all your cards in and hope that you have the winning hand, just hoping that the thought that you were a pretty nice guy that she’d be willing to go out with had occurred to her.
You’d think if someone liked you then they would at least open opportunities to converse. I for one know that I am mostly terrible at hiding my interests… So I’d just assume that if I was so obvious that it would be easy to reciprocate if they were themselves interested. So this feels like it drags full circle and that all that invested emotional energy has gone to waste. I suppose it is worse to be lead on, to have false hope and then crushed… like having a straight flush only to be crushed on an all in by a royal flush…
I suppose as a guy, it’s expected of us to put ourselves on the line to give that proverbial loaded gun to the opposite party… But it gets harder and harder to drag your bullet-riddled body back out in front of the death squad to face the music each time… I suppose perhaps things may change and new light might be shed on the situation as time goes on… but the tearing fear of getting shot down doesn’t feel like it will go away any time soon…
Well at least it gives me some respite having just thrown it out there. To just say what is on my mind…. I should use this space more often… even though I don’t know who reads this… or if anyone reads this at all.
