Hong Kong 2010

Well, back in HK for Christmas this year. Gymming every single day. Most people associate HK with shopping and eating :P… I’m spending like 2 hours in the gym basically everyday. Normally I absolutely hate gymming… it just feels so boring. But I suppose here, I have nothing better to do. It’s like my yearly weight training program hahaha…

It’s actually quite ego boosting being here in HK… lol… whenever I go shopping for clothes, sports gear in particular, shop assistants seem to always note on our physical prowess. lol… It’s actually quite amusing. I suppose the average population don’t look particularly strong or muscular considering how small the asian frame is lol… In Australia, I’d be guaranteed not to receive that kind of response as its much more common to have people who are quite visibly fit.

o wells…. lol… Hopefully I’ll be stronger and faster by the time I get back.

The Curse of Beauty

Haven’t blogged in month… i think the last post was in may… so its been agggeesss.. half a year…

Well i was just doing some chores for my parents, while I was pondering something that was spoken to me many years ago… well about 3.5 years ago anyways… I was at the time consulting the school psychologist at the time… and she mentioned how she rarely had to counsel anyone with any serious degree of depression or any fears of rejection or peer opinion. I asked her what the the most common cause for counselling was, and her answer was that most of the students that seek counselling are girls, girls that most would consider very beautiful. Apparently, those people struggle to socialise, particularly with the opposite gender, because people do not feel like they are good enough to be around them.

For a while, I couldn’t understand why that could possibly happen. It baffled me that those girls, whom are extremely popular and liked by all, would struggle with anything social. They had such power and influence. Although, at the time, even though there where people I liked, I wouldn’t socialise with them or hang around them… I’d say like an awkward greeting and walk off… and the feeling was the constant gnawing thoughts of “why would she even like a person like me?” or “what chance do I have when there are so many other guys who are stronger/smarter/sportier/better looking/more outgoing etc.?”

I suppose beauty in such a sense… is very much a curse. Noone seems able to relax or be themselves around them, especially when interacting with the opposite gender. Maybe that's how girls would find it, I dunno. You either get guys that are just sleazy and just plain creepy, or they are withdrawn or stuttering messes around you. Awkward either way, and uncomfortable in some cases.

I suppose I’d formerly categorise myself as the latter, withdrawn and stuttering… but I suppose even now, so much energy and effort is required to be myself and not relapse back into the old. It’s like a struggle between wanting to talk and socialising… and why bother trying… you feel inadequate to approach, yet you want to… You talk and you feel like a nuisance… and you try to be yourself and to get to know them, yet constantly expecting to be rejected or cold shouldered/ignored…

Its intriguing and kind of sad how those who aren’t extraordinarily beautiful would be envious and jealous of those who are, or be unable to be themselves around those who are. And those who are beautiful can find it such a burden to carry.

There is no analogy that I can think of that can describe Love… It’s something that we crave for it, we strive for it, we live and die for it. It might feel fantastic and cause your spirit to soar when it is reciprocated… Uneasiness, discomfort and awkwardness when it’s unrequited… Or soul crushing, draining and shattering when rejected. There is nothing that can be used to compare to it. Yet there is nothing that can replace it… this urge and desire for love is almost primal…

Being a christian and all, some might say “well, we have Jesus, isn’t his unfailing love sufficient?”. Well, Adam, the first man according to the bible, even in direct communion with God and all his creation, was given Eve as a partner and helper. There was an urge for a relationship other than the one with God and nothing in all creation, other than Eve, would satisfy that urge. You can’t get away from it… You can’t try and ignore it by filling your life with something else, like pets, or hobbies or games.

Anyways… I’ve sidetracked a fair bit… I suppose the point is that, beauty can be such a curse. Yet it is only a curse because we desire love; and love… is something that one cannot run or hide from. Well you can try… but you can’t run.

That is all…

Computer has Returned

After investing just under $500 on a full system upgrade, my computer is back online now… Ok well it might not have taken $500 if I went for a more economical solution rather than… Overkill… I got a new 2TB 7200rpm sata hdd, additional 9800GT 1GB, new wireless adapter card, 2x2GB of DDR2 800MHz ram to boost to 6GB of ram… the mother board now only has space for additional hdd’s and 2 more GB of ram… The next time i upgrade my computer… it will be a new tower and motherboard. and possibly investing into some cooling systems… :P

Most of my software has been reinstalled… but yeah the new configuration is actually quite beneficial as i can put everything in its own partition and defrag each partition separately leading to a more efficient computer in general :P

That is all…

Gaming shall be epic on this machine now :P gotta wait till those holidays… and not get distracted before hand…

Computer Viruses

Man… so pissed off… wasted so much time in the last 24 hours trying to fix my computers… tried taking apart my laptop to fix the keyboard to no avail… then realised my usb had infected my desktop with a virus cos my msn was spamming links… had to leave my computer on all night to do a full scan… cos i didn’t know it was my usb, and then i installed kaspersky onto my laptop and found 2 more viruses on my laptop… yeah… hopefully my computer is clean now…

But yeah… still pretty pissed cos my msn is always getting all these adds from bots… and this blog… is always being spammed by bots… some more discrete then others… and its piss annoying… I think its just really sad and low how some people find it so amusing creating and spreading these retarded bots and viruses around just to make people’s lives hard.

Ah well… whatever…

This thing called love.

I think most of us would agree that our lives are driven by love for something or someone. Whatever it is that you like most during that period of your life will be the driving force of that period of your life. It is something you will almost constantly think about whenever you have a spare moment or even when you should be focusing on something else. Whether it be your family, friends, loved ones, or even material objects like cars etc. I guess most people will want to find someone they love and to be able to spend time with the people they love. Love can bring great joy and comfort into our lives.

However, love can also bring great pain and sorrow into our lives as well. If a loved one is suffering you will share their burden. If a loved one passes away you will grieve over them. If someone you loved turns away from you, you will feel broken because of them. If you like someone who doesn’t like you back, you feel empty because of that.

I guess for me, my life has revolved around the very last one that I’ve mentioned. This thing called unrequited love is something that has always pestered me at every turn. It leaves a heart wrenching feeling every time you think about it. Every time you see this person you will keep wishing things were different, you try to be normal but instead you become extremely self-aware. Even after you leave the place where you saw the person, they are still constantly on your mind and you’re still agonising over the reality of the situation.

Some days I wish I didn’t have to love at all… to give up the potential joys of having love and bypass the guaranteed pains of love. But that would be impossible… because that would be desiring not to be human. I hate watching romantic movies because it causes me to think about where I am at… and thus it pains me greatly to watch those kinds of movies especially really idealistic ones like “a walk to remember” or stuff like that. But I guess if I was in a different situation then I would like those kinds of movies because it would relate positively to my own experiences.

But I guess these things can’t be helped… I guess all I can really do is pray that one day I will find what I hope for. nyeah…

Our so called Christian Country… and our self-proclaimed Christians…

Western civilisations all claim to have a Christian heritage. They all have had some connection with the church… Nowadays our society barely recognises who they are and where they come from. Sadly still, many Christians seem to barely know who they are and who they follow. Of course there are a lot of Christians out there and the general rule of which the actions of a few ruin the reputation of many still apply which means that a majority of Christians out there are probably fairing ok. But enough beating around the bush.

So I went to uni today and I went to Koorong after uni to find 2 Toby Mac CDs (which btw are great). While I was in the store for the full 20 minutes I heard this woman who had a child with her and the kid was about 7 years old. Now I dunno if she actually has a mental condition which caused it but she was speaking very loudly and clearly wasn’t thinking through what she was saying. It wasn’t slurred speech or tourettes but more like she couldn’t be selective of what she chooses to say and what not to say… Lacking of social awareness I guess… Now apparently some other lady looked at her oddly perhaps because its an uncommon sight. You don’t see many 35 year old women talking so callously…

Now with a child, the women was married and the husband was in the store somewhere else… while the women was talking really loudly to her kid about how the other women was glaring at her and looked at her weirdly and about how rude she was etc. Meanwhile there were two other men in the store that I saw and overheard talking also very loudly about how annoying this woman was. They were complaining to each other about how much of a nuisance this woman was and how she is telling the whole world about a problem that they didn’t care about and how they which she’d just shut up etc. I was just happily leaning against a computer listening to music samples before I decided to buy the CDs.

Well as I was at the counter paying for the CDs the two men decided to approach this woman and basically they started verbally abusing her. Saying how she should get out of the store and take her problem elsewhere and whatever. The lady starts calling them unchristian and calling them evil and all sorts of weird things and saying how she has the right to speak loudly just as they have the right to drink and smoke (I don’t know but I think that was meant to be an insult…). The men respond by saying something like “Is that how you got your husband? Is that how you treat your husband?” and then the guy walks around the corner saying “I’m her husband” and the 2 men say to him “Well take her out of here!”.

I left before the episode finished… But since all of them were in a KOORONG store… which is a CHRISTIAN store… I’d automatically assume that they were all Christians… And that was the most disgraceful display of public behaviour by Christians I’ve ever seen. Those 2 men… no patience, no kindness, no gentleness, no politeness, no manners and no forgiveness... Luckily they didn’t say where they were from or else that would ruin the reputation of their entire church. These two men could’ve approached nicely and asked her to be a little more quiet because it was distracting… would have avoided the conflict entirely. They also should not request someone be thrown out of the store…

Now the woman (if she was able to… maybe she has some form of mental or speech impediment that prevents her from controlling what she says) should’ve not have verbalised her negative opinions about others so loudly… In fact she shouldn’t have verbalised them at all, not in public and especially not within earshot of the other person. When the two men approached she shouldn’t have replied so smugly to stir up the two men… She didn’t have the “right” to speak loudly and inconsiderately… she is in public and she is sharing the space with other humans and neither was anything she said beneficial and so shouldn’t have said any of it in the first place. Implying that the two men were alcoholics and substance abusers really didn’t help the case.

I was thinking about this on the drive home… and a myriad of bits and pieces of bible verses just flooded into my mind… so these are probably all paraphrased…
Blessed is the woman with a quiet soul… that is, to know what she ought to say and what she shouldn’t say and to say things only when it is appropriate.
Turn the other cheek, if someone takes your tunic offer him your coat as well. If someone forces you to walk a mile, walk another mile for him… Compassion? Grace? Selflessness?
If what you do will cause your brother to sin then it is better that you do not do it. (Something about stumbling blocks)… This verse is pretty self-explanatory…
Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, do not let Satan get a foothold in your heart. And can’t remember where but Jesus said that Hating your brother is as bad as murdering your brother. And so Jesus clearly condemned anger of any form… because as humans we are not capable of righteous fury that God is capable of.
Galatians 5:22-23 “But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things, there is no law.”

I don’t understand how self-respecting Christians would ever allow themselves to degrade to something like that. But yeah I thought the bible was pretty clear on what kind of behaviour God expected from us.

Morality in Games

Now as most people might now, I’m a pretty heavy gamer. I play a LOT of games. Many games now a days allows the players to make choices when it comes to important decisions in the life of the characters. It forces the player to live with the consequences of their actions. Now I also have spent a great deal of time watching other people play games and in turn the choices they make in game. Even though I know I am playing a game, I find it hard to force myself to make selfish or immoral choices in games however I know a few people who are more than willing to make those choices mostly just because its amusing to watch your character torture innocent people (and perhaps have a easier run through the game). Some might call me soft but perhaps its because I grew up being pushed around myself and perhaps its also because I am a christian but I find it incredibly difficult to harm an unarmed opponent that has no intention of fighting or hurting me. In real life I train in kung fu and most of the time cannot visualise myself fighting with a bladed weapon capable of killing my opponent unintentionally, I can only see myself using blunt weapons where I can control the amount of damage I inflict.

In the past when I play games I’ve only been able to make choices that are of high moral grounds or at lowest, relatively neutral choices. Many games like Baldur’s gate, Neverwinter’s Night, Knights of the Old Republic I & II, etc. etc.  RPG games in general I find myself constantly playing similar characters because I cannot seem to make “evil” choices.

Recently I was playing a game called Bioshock 2, its a very sweet but extremely twisted story. There are these little girls in the game that gather some kind of medium for hosting genetically engineered organisms that give you special powers. Sci-Fi dystopian story blah blah blah. whatever. anyways, you get a choice to save them from their enslaved, drugged up existence or you can choose to harvest their bodies of the medium which you need yourself, essentially killing the girl in process. I played the entire game without harvesting a single one of them mainly because I couldn’t bring myself to doing something like that. Perhaps some would call me soft but hey..

Anyways yeah, I dunno what the point was for writing this but I guess I find is a lot more difficult to make “immoral/mean” choices that other people don’t seem to have any trouble making.

Road of Life…

When one goes through hard times, one’s motivation to keep walking forward feels like a candle flickering in front of a cyclone. I guess when struggles are really tough, some people effectively get doused out… Those people fall, and like a fault shattering through a piece of concrete to release the stress of the weight on the concrete, and they seek out vents for the built up stress, tension and anxieties. Some people fall into drugs, alcohol and all sorts of addictions… work… whatever… in order to break off and vent like an overheated car venting out steam…. I guess as a christian, faith in Jesus is like having the best mechanic in the world with all the parts he could ever need sitting in your passenger seat… But one must still be willing to give him control of the car, and to let him maintain and keep your car in good shape… Although as humans, we tend to be stubborn… We like to take control of our lives even when the direction we take or our methods of doing things or the way we live our lives simply is not good for us or good for those around us. It’s like driving and ignoring all the warning lights, low oil, low coolant, low fuel etc. We have a tendency of being self-sufficient to the point of breaking down… Until we are stranded and have no where to go, with no help in reach… Only then do we realise that the pers0n with the ability to completely fix and top up our car has been sitting beside us the whole time. With Jesus, one is never alone… He will always be there to help you get through whatever your facing… But even in the face of trials, one must still humble oneself and admit one is lost and broken down, unable to move on by ourselves… We still must commit everything to Jesus for him to get us out. You can’t say, can you fill up my car… but don’t touch the radiator, don’t fill the coolant back  up, because you’re bound to get only a few more km’s before your car overheats again.  You must let him fix everything…

It doesn’t matter what kind of car represents your life, perhaps its a sleek supercar or its a rickity antique of a car. I’d gather most of us do not know how to maintain it. You’re life is a God given gift, the manufacturer is God… the chief mechanic is Jesus… and comes with lifetime warrantee… but you still need to let Jesus into your life to let him change and fix things.

If I go back to the candle analogy, we all know that putting tissue paper into a candle will cause it to burn up very quickly… Extremely effective fuel. But not everything burns up that quickly… Some things don’t burn well… they will cause the fire to diminish, like putting sand into the fire. Even as a christian, sometimes it feels like i’m being blown all over the place… You ask god for direction and he answers… but sometimes what he decides for you is hard to swallow… Like he’s putting in some unknown substance into the candle.. you struggle to break it down and burn it up as fuel. It’s sometimes difficult to imagine how God will get me through some situations… But when he does, you  burn so much brighter than you did before…

Back to the car analogy, I guess even if you hand everything over to Jesus, the road you travel with him will still go through some dark and scary places… but you won’t be alone… and you know he will get you through it… You won’t be stranded because he will always find a way to get you out…

I think even as a Christian, I still struggle to give everything to Jesus… when life gets scary I’m still like a petrified idiot that doesn’t know what to do. When the going gets tough, I still feel under the weather… which is natural… But it’s tiring and nerve-racking… But I know that I am in better hands because Jesus is with me through it all.

BLT 2010

Haven’t written anything here for a long while… but BLT was so good that I just had to blog about it :P

So yeah, just came back from BLT which is a week long conference on Christian leadership. The sermons that were given were fantastic and the strand group work that we did was really interesting and helpful for ministry, but the most incredible thing was the fellowship that we had with each other. You got to discuss and talk and share just about anything with people that were great examples of christian living and leadership and just being able to observe how they lived was so encouraging. Being able to listen to their stories and experiences with ministry and with Christ was a great blessing.

I just hope that this year I will be able to maintain daily bible reading and prayer and be determined to keep reading and praying and to continuously grow throughout the year.

But yeah… BLT is great.. can’t wait till next year

Bad Hair Day

Woke up today with the worst hair possible I reckon… Funny thin was that one of my friend’s was over for a good portion of the day and never commented on it and I realised after a few hours how ridiculous I looked when I went to the toilet and looked in the mirror. I reckon it was my most super saiyan-isque looking hair to date. If only I had golden hair and green eyes and glowed lol…

Speaking of super saiyan, I have successfully used the blowtorch that we got to make creme brulee… altho I curdled the custard a little tinie bit… but it was the first time ever making custard so… I reckon it was pretty good.