Self Reflections…

Some days I feel that deep inside I’m a perfectionist… Crushing myself over every little mistake even if the consequences of those mistakes didn’t matter. Some days I still feel like I am weak and pathetic, unable to live up to my expectations of myself. It’s those days and moments that make me act the way I used to act before I became a christian. I feel that if I am unable to meet even my expectations, what would other people expect out of me and what would they think of me… It’s why I hate team sports… you have other people’s expectations to meet… You are expected to be at a certain position or to know where a certain teammate is and you are expected to move and perform in a certain way… I was bought up playing individual sports… and so I have trouble keeping a wide perspective on the game, to be able to focus on the peripheral activity and process all the team information at the same time as focusing on the opponent right in front of me… When I fail to do something properly (not counting when I’m clearly outplayed, that’s fine… I can admit to losing, its when I screw up personally that is the problem…) I beat myself up over it… When I feel tired from running around, I feel like I shouldn’t be feeling the pressure… that I should be better than I actually am… that I am weak…. If I do talk to anyone, I always end up talking about my mistakes, and trying to make excuses for them….

Its time like this where I can barely communicate with anyone… I avoid people’s glances out of fear of their comments on my lack of ability… I feel really awkward and hesitant to talk about anything with anyone because I feel like I am inferior enough as it is… and that they will somehow, for some reason brush me off… It’s times like these that make me feel really anxious…

Before I became a christian, this was my everyday life… I hated who I was…. but even after being a christian… this… old self of mine… resurfaces every once in a while… especially in times when I need to work with other people… doing things that I am not particularly good at or brilliant at…

I don’t even know why I’m typing this… I just feel like I should spill this out somewhere… I feel like I have giant attitude/mood swings…. but its more about how I perceive myself. One moment I am optimistic and carefree… the next second I am a pessimist and emo….

nyeah… that is all…

FREEEEEDDDOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!

I AM FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

ITS OVVVEEERRRRR hahahaha yeah! lol.. the stress is OOOVVVEER i feel like im going insane but im FREEE!

ahhh… now what do i do with my time…

*sigh*…

i still hav ea resting heart rate of 78… which is massive… i need to rest… and sleep alot… o well…

zzzzzzz

i shall sleep…

BTW my bro’s getting married this saturday.

Stress…

Hmmm… It’s almost at the end of exam blocks… I still have assignments stuff to do… and I think I’ve built up alot of stress in my body… I don’t know how that possibly works but it does… I feel so frustrated and irritated all the time… and my resting heart rate is through the roof…. I woke up this morning with a resting heart rate of 70bpm… that’s absurdly high… and during the day my heart rate is around the 90’s… so one feels like he’s constantly burning and feels like he just finished some intense exercise and constantly feels like he’s trying to catch his breath….

bleh… architecture… I know why they say the job satisfaction rate for architects is so high… the course is so long that everyone who didn’t like it dropped out long ago and only the diehards remain haha… I still like architecture don’t get me wrong… especially the theory part of it… but damn there is a lot of work to it…

anyways.. I better get back to it… I need some kind of muscle relaxant i think… if they exist… o wait… their recreational drugs… lol

anyways… back to it…

One down, One to go!

ALLLMMOOOOSSSSTTTT THEEREEEE!! and the last one is a group assignment… so wheee!!!! I CAN TASTE THE FREEDOM!!!! lollll…. that is all

Allnighters 4 & 5

GAAaaahhhh FINALLY 2009 semester 2 FOLIO is done… friggin hell… and it was a day late too… Mann so much trouble to get through all that… Everything always chooses to screw up when you need them to work the most… AND I spent friggin like… $240 on printing this assignment… so expensive…

Annd I handed in my assignment at like 5:40pm… I was surprised my lecturer was still at uni…

Annd I’ve had 3.5 hours rest in the last 60 hours that I’ve been awake… sooooo frigggiiiinnnn tired….

anyways here are more sunrise photos… 2 days worth of them too..

 

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

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All Nighter No.3

Well well well… As the title suggests, I did an another all-nighter… and that was last thursday/friday… so as usual here are 2 photos of the glorious sunrise…

Annndddd I have another all-nighter tomorrow… Arn’t I screwed?… lol…

SWOTVAC 2009 Begins!

Yeah not the most exciting time of the year... Today is already technically monday, so SWOTVAC has technically already begun... and I can tell you I am so friggin screwed for my archi assignments... I'm pretty stressed out at my lack of self-control over the last month... to get things started ahead of time... Anyways, I thought I might leave a few final words before embarking on the next 2 weeks of Hell on earth lolll... Pray that I come back in one piece and breathing hahahaha.... or at least that I have finished my assignments by then lol... Else I fail and I would have wasted a year of my life. That wouldn't be nice lol... anyways Ima go sleep now and go to uni tomorrow... sucks that I still ahve to pay for carparking during Swotvac.... anyways at least I will get one since most people don't go lol... anyways sleep time... Good bye for 2 weeks...

I also just realised I've made the same number of posts on this blog in the last two months of last year than all of this year combined... so thats some 46 posts in two months last year and the same number for the whole of this year haha... I guess I kinda ran out of things to talk about :P anyways... gtg...