The Curse of Beauty

Haven’t blogged in month… i think the last post was in may… so its been agggeesss.. half a year…

Well i was just doing some chores for my parents, while I was pondering something that was spoken to me many years ago… well about 3.5 years ago anyways… I was at the time consulting the school psychologist at the time… and she mentioned how she rarely had to counsel anyone with any serious degree of depression or any fears of rejection or peer opinion. I asked her what the the most common cause for counselling was, and her answer was that most of the students that seek counselling are girls, girls that most would consider very beautiful. Apparently, those people struggle to socialise, particularly with the opposite gender, because people do not feel like they are good enough to be around them.

For a while, I couldn’t understand why that could possibly happen. It baffled me that those girls, whom are extremely popular and liked by all, would struggle with anything social. They had such power and influence. Although, at the time, even though there where people I liked, I wouldn’t socialise with them or hang around them… I’d say like an awkward greeting and walk off… and the feeling was the constant gnawing thoughts of “why would she even like a person like me?” or “what chance do I have when there are so many other guys who are stronger/smarter/sportier/better looking/more outgoing etc.?”

I suppose beauty in such a sense… is very much a curse. Noone seems able to relax or be themselves around them, especially when interacting with the opposite gender. Maybe that's how girls would find it, I dunno. You either get guys that are just sleazy and just plain creepy, or they are withdrawn or stuttering messes around you. Awkward either way, and uncomfortable in some cases.

I suppose I’d formerly categorise myself as the latter, withdrawn and stuttering… but I suppose even now, so much energy and effort is required to be myself and not relapse back into the old. It’s like a struggle between wanting to talk and socialising… and why bother trying… you feel inadequate to approach, yet you want to… You talk and you feel like a nuisance… and you try to be yourself and to get to know them, yet constantly expecting to be rejected or cold shouldered/ignored…

Its intriguing and kind of sad how those who aren’t extraordinarily beautiful would be envious and jealous of those who are, or be unable to be themselves around those who are. And those who are beautiful can find it such a burden to carry.

There is no analogy that I can think of that can describe Love… It’s something that we crave for it, we strive for it, we live and die for it. It might feel fantastic and cause your spirit to soar when it is reciprocated… Uneasiness, discomfort and awkwardness when it’s unrequited… Or soul crushing, draining and shattering when rejected. There is nothing that can be used to compare to it. Yet there is nothing that can replace it… this urge and desire for love is almost primal…

Being a christian and all, some might say “well, we have Jesus, isn’t his unfailing love sufficient?”. Well, Adam, the first man according to the bible, even in direct communion with God and all his creation, was given Eve as a partner and helper. There was an urge for a relationship other than the one with God and nothing in all creation, other than Eve, would satisfy that urge. You can’t get away from it… You can’t try and ignore it by filling your life with something else, like pets, or hobbies or games.

Anyways… I’ve sidetracked a fair bit… I suppose the point is that, beauty can be such a curse. Yet it is only a curse because we desire love; and love… is something that one cannot run or hide from. Well you can try… but you can’t run.

That is all…

Computer Viruses

Man… so pissed off… wasted so much time in the last 24 hours trying to fix my computers… tried taking apart my laptop to fix the keyboard to no avail… then realised my usb had infected my desktop with a virus cos my msn was spamming links… had to leave my computer on all night to do a full scan… cos i didn’t know it was my usb, and then i installed kaspersky onto my laptop and found 2 more viruses on my laptop… yeah… hopefully my computer is clean now…

But yeah… still pretty pissed cos my msn is always getting all these adds from bots… and this blog… is always being spammed by bots… some more discrete then others… and its piss annoying… I think its just really sad and low how some people find it so amusing creating and spreading these retarded bots and viruses around just to make people’s lives hard.

Ah well… whatever…

This thing called love.

I think most of us would agree that our lives are driven by love for something or someone. Whatever it is that you like most during that period of your life will be the driving force of that period of your life. It is something you will almost constantly think about whenever you have a spare moment or even when you should be focusing on something else. Whether it be your family, friends, loved ones, or even material objects like cars etc. I guess most people will want to find someone they love and to be able to spend time with the people they love. Love can bring great joy and comfort into our lives.

However, love can also bring great pain and sorrow into our lives as well. If a loved one is suffering you will share their burden. If a loved one passes away you will grieve over them. If someone you loved turns away from you, you will feel broken because of them. If you like someone who doesn’t like you back, you feel empty because of that.

I guess for me, my life has revolved around the very last one that I’ve mentioned. This thing called unrequited love is something that has always pestered me at every turn. It leaves a heart wrenching feeling every time you think about it. Every time you see this person you will keep wishing things were different, you try to be normal but instead you become extremely self-aware. Even after you leave the place where you saw the person, they are still constantly on your mind and you’re still agonising over the reality of the situation.

Some days I wish I didn’t have to love at all… to give up the potential joys of having love and bypass the guaranteed pains of love. But that would be impossible… because that would be desiring not to be human. I hate watching romantic movies because it causes me to think about where I am at… and thus it pains me greatly to watch those kinds of movies especially really idealistic ones like “a walk to remember” or stuff like that. But I guess if I was in a different situation then I would like those kinds of movies because it would relate positively to my own experiences.

But I guess these things can’t be helped… I guess all I can really do is pray that one day I will find what I hope for. nyeah…

Our so called Christian Country… and our self-proclaimed Christians…

Western civilisations all claim to have a Christian heritage. They all have had some connection with the church… Nowadays our society barely recognises who they are and where they come from. Sadly still, many Christians seem to barely know who they are and who they follow. Of course there are a lot of Christians out there and the general rule of which the actions of a few ruin the reputation of many still apply which means that a majority of Christians out there are probably fairing ok. But enough beating around the bush.

So I went to uni today and I went to Koorong after uni to find 2 Toby Mac CDs (which btw are great). While I was in the store for the full 20 minutes I heard this woman who had a child with her and the kid was about 7 years old. Now I dunno if she actually has a mental condition which caused it but she was speaking very loudly and clearly wasn’t thinking through what she was saying. It wasn’t slurred speech or tourettes but more like she couldn’t be selective of what she chooses to say and what not to say… Lacking of social awareness I guess… Now apparently some other lady looked at her oddly perhaps because its an uncommon sight. You don’t see many 35 year old women talking so callously…

Now with a child, the women was married and the husband was in the store somewhere else… while the women was talking really loudly to her kid about how the other women was glaring at her and looked at her weirdly and about how rude she was etc. Meanwhile there were two other men in the store that I saw and overheard talking also very loudly about how annoying this woman was. They were complaining to each other about how much of a nuisance this woman was and how she is telling the whole world about a problem that they didn’t care about and how they which she’d just shut up etc. I was just happily leaning against a computer listening to music samples before I decided to buy the CDs.

Well as I was at the counter paying for the CDs the two men decided to approach this woman and basically they started verbally abusing her. Saying how she should get out of the store and take her problem elsewhere and whatever. The lady starts calling them unchristian and calling them evil and all sorts of weird things and saying how she has the right to speak loudly just as they have the right to drink and smoke (I don’t know but I think that was meant to be an insult…). The men respond by saying something like “Is that how you got your husband? Is that how you treat your husband?” and then the guy walks around the corner saying “I’m her husband” and the 2 men say to him “Well take her out of here!”.

I left before the episode finished… But since all of them were in a KOORONG store… which is a CHRISTIAN store… I’d automatically assume that they were all Christians… And that was the most disgraceful display of public behaviour by Christians I’ve ever seen. Those 2 men… no patience, no kindness, no gentleness, no politeness, no manners and no forgiveness... Luckily they didn’t say where they were from or else that would ruin the reputation of their entire church. These two men could’ve approached nicely and asked her to be a little more quiet because it was distracting… would have avoided the conflict entirely. They also should not request someone be thrown out of the store…

Now the woman (if she was able to… maybe she has some form of mental or speech impediment that prevents her from controlling what she says) should’ve not have verbalised her negative opinions about others so loudly… In fact she shouldn’t have verbalised them at all, not in public and especially not within earshot of the other person. When the two men approached she shouldn’t have replied so smugly to stir up the two men… She didn’t have the “right” to speak loudly and inconsiderately… she is in public and she is sharing the space with other humans and neither was anything she said beneficial and so shouldn’t have said any of it in the first place. Implying that the two men were alcoholics and substance abusers really didn’t help the case.

I was thinking about this on the drive home… and a myriad of bits and pieces of bible verses just flooded into my mind… so these are probably all paraphrased…
Blessed is the woman with a quiet soul… that is, to know what she ought to say and what she shouldn’t say and to say things only when it is appropriate.
Turn the other cheek, if someone takes your tunic offer him your coat as well. If someone forces you to walk a mile, walk another mile for him… Compassion? Grace? Selflessness?
If what you do will cause your brother to sin then it is better that you do not do it. (Something about stumbling blocks)… This verse is pretty self-explanatory…
Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, do not let Satan get a foothold in your heart. And can’t remember where but Jesus said that Hating your brother is as bad as murdering your brother. And so Jesus clearly condemned anger of any form… because as humans we are not capable of righteous fury that God is capable of.
Galatians 5:22-23 “But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things, there is no law.”

I don’t understand how self-respecting Christians would ever allow themselves to degrade to something like that. But yeah I thought the bible was pretty clear on what kind of behaviour God expected from us.

Morality in Games

Now as most people might now, I’m a pretty heavy gamer. I play a LOT of games. Many games now a days allows the players to make choices when it comes to important decisions in the life of the characters. It forces the player to live with the consequences of their actions. Now I also have spent a great deal of time watching other people play games and in turn the choices they make in game. Even though I know I am playing a game, I find it hard to force myself to make selfish or immoral choices in games however I know a few people who are more than willing to make those choices mostly just because its amusing to watch your character torture innocent people (and perhaps have a easier run through the game). Some might call me soft but perhaps its because I grew up being pushed around myself and perhaps its also because I am a christian but I find it incredibly difficult to harm an unarmed opponent that has no intention of fighting or hurting me. In real life I train in kung fu and most of the time cannot visualise myself fighting with a bladed weapon capable of killing my opponent unintentionally, I can only see myself using blunt weapons where I can control the amount of damage I inflict.

In the past when I play games I’ve only been able to make choices that are of high moral grounds or at lowest, relatively neutral choices. Many games like Baldur’s gate, Neverwinter’s Night, Knights of the Old Republic I & II, etc. etc.  RPG games in general I find myself constantly playing similar characters because I cannot seem to make “evil” choices.

Recently I was playing a game called Bioshock 2, its a very sweet but extremely twisted story. There are these little girls in the game that gather some kind of medium for hosting genetically engineered organisms that give you special powers. Sci-Fi dystopian story blah blah blah. whatever. anyways, you get a choice to save them from their enslaved, drugged up existence or you can choose to harvest their bodies of the medium which you need yourself, essentially killing the girl in process. I played the entire game without harvesting a single one of them mainly because I couldn’t bring myself to doing something like that. Perhaps some would call me soft but hey..

Anyways yeah, I dunno what the point was for writing this but I guess I find is a lot more difficult to make “immoral/mean” choices that other people don’t seem to have any trouble making.

Road of Life…

When one goes through hard times, one’s motivation to keep walking forward feels like a candle flickering in front of a cyclone. I guess when struggles are really tough, some people effectively get doused out… Those people fall, and like a fault shattering through a piece of concrete to release the stress of the weight on the concrete, and they seek out vents for the built up stress, tension and anxieties. Some people fall into drugs, alcohol and all sorts of addictions… work… whatever… in order to break off and vent like an overheated car venting out steam…. I guess as a christian, faith in Jesus is like having the best mechanic in the world with all the parts he could ever need sitting in your passenger seat… But one must still be willing to give him control of the car, and to let him maintain and keep your car in good shape… Although as humans, we tend to be stubborn… We like to take control of our lives even when the direction we take or our methods of doing things or the way we live our lives simply is not good for us or good for those around us. It’s like driving and ignoring all the warning lights, low oil, low coolant, low fuel etc. We have a tendency of being self-sufficient to the point of breaking down… Until we are stranded and have no where to go, with no help in reach… Only then do we realise that the pers0n with the ability to completely fix and top up our car has been sitting beside us the whole time. With Jesus, one is never alone… He will always be there to help you get through whatever your facing… But even in the face of trials, one must still humble oneself and admit one is lost and broken down, unable to move on by ourselves… We still must commit everything to Jesus for him to get us out. You can’t say, can you fill up my car… but don’t touch the radiator, don’t fill the coolant back  up, because you’re bound to get only a few more km’s before your car overheats again.  You must let him fix everything…

It doesn’t matter what kind of car represents your life, perhaps its a sleek supercar or its a rickity antique of a car. I’d gather most of us do not know how to maintain it. You’re life is a God given gift, the manufacturer is God… the chief mechanic is Jesus… and comes with lifetime warrantee… but you still need to let Jesus into your life to let him change and fix things.

If I go back to the candle analogy, we all know that putting tissue paper into a candle will cause it to burn up very quickly… Extremely effective fuel. But not everything burns up that quickly… Some things don’t burn well… they will cause the fire to diminish, like putting sand into the fire. Even as a christian, sometimes it feels like i’m being blown all over the place… You ask god for direction and he answers… but sometimes what he decides for you is hard to swallow… Like he’s putting in some unknown substance into the candle.. you struggle to break it down and burn it up as fuel. It’s sometimes difficult to imagine how God will get me through some situations… But when he does, you  burn so much brighter than you did before…

Back to the car analogy, I guess even if you hand everything over to Jesus, the road you travel with him will still go through some dark and scary places… but you won’t be alone… and you know he will get you through it… You won’t be stranded because he will always find a way to get you out…

I think even as a Christian, I still struggle to give everything to Jesus… when life gets scary I’m still like a petrified idiot that doesn’t know what to do. When the going gets tough, I still feel under the weather… which is natural… But it’s tiring and nerve-racking… But I know that I am in better hands because Jesus is with me through it all.

I pity the fool... I pity the world.

Some days I see things that I wish I could step in and beat some sense into some people... Outright smash their face in... In direct proportion to the amount of putrid, fetid, disgraceful public display of uncivilised behaviour those people exhibit. This world should have no place for these kinds of pathetic lifeforms and to say that I'm finding it sad that there is such a place for these people would be an understatement of the resentment I feel towards society. I should explain why I am saying such words about society so here goes.

I went to a restaurant today for dinner with some family friends... This guy from the room across from our little reserved room came out and started yelling at the waitress that gave them their bill... He was this fat guy that spoke mandarin and it was clear as day that he was a mainlander... he couldn't have made it anymore obvious that he was even if he engraved it into his forehead. Now, where he is from is not important... I have nothing against mainlanders. I am not racist. BUT... he came out and yelled at the waitress about the bill being too expensive. I mean this guy, he obviously saw the prices of the restaurant, ordered food and ate it knowing exactly how much it would cost him. He would order drinks and what not, knowing full well that it was gonna cost him money. Now if he genuinely didn't know the prices then that's his fault for not reading the prices properly with the 15 other people he was with. But the fact that he raged at a waitress that a. had no control over the prices, b. was just doing her job and c. have no idea about your situation then I feel that guy should seriously think about what he is doing... but... he not only flamed her, he HIT her as well... Now that is the point were I almost picked myself up to go kick his ass and pin him by his throat to a wall... crush his ribs and possibly crush his manhood with my knee because no man like that should be allowed to call himself a man.

That of course would be illegal on my part cos I probably would kill him by accident in the process. But seriously what the hell is wrong with people these days... As it is, that guy is friggin hell-bound. Even if I bashed his face in so hard that he was begging for mercy & forgiveness, that would be the least of his problems....

As a christian, the above sounds far too hateful and violent to be coming out of my mouth. As a believer of Jesus, I'm suppose to love people... and hate sin... to be able to show love and kindness to sinners yet hate the sin that is in each and every one of us because even that ass-hole at the restaurant isn't technically beyond redemption. But I don't hate him because of who he is, I simply hate what he is doing. Perhaps beating the living crap out of him would be just a *tinie* bit excessive just to stop one guy from hitting one girl once (My judgement is far from perfect as you can see). People wonder why this whole place is going to hell... but it is clear as day exactly why this whole world is going to hell... We ourselves can be like that pathetic excuse of a man... but even if we arn't... We turn a blind eye and ALLOW such people to act that way... We do not do the good that we could have done to prevent such people from doing what they do... So I say with confidence that we are not good people... and couldn't be further away from perfect.

In my opinion, there is only one way to change this world.... I'm not saying this because I am trying to make people believe what I believe. But this is what I logically believe to be the only solution...

The solution is for ALL people to WANT to love and be kind and gentle with each other. It is for people to WANT to not act violently to each other. For people to WANT to not steal and covet the goods of each other. For people to WANT to not be jealous or envious of each other. This is not possible for humans as they are now and always have been... PEACE is not possible without the above becoming reality, and it will never be reality. In order for people to want to do the above, they must first agree that they are part of the problem, and they must desire to NOT live as they have in the past. They must desire to be free from the influences of the despicable culture and society that we live in.

I personally believe that there is a God and that this universe and everything in it, each and every one of us were made by this God. A lot of people think that there can't be a God because of how bad the state of the world is. I think it is our fault that the world is as it is today because we have chosen to live in a godless society in ways so disgraceful that it makes us cringe at how low we can get. If apocalypse comes I think that's a good thing cos the world is better off without us.

If I was God, I would have blown this place to hell a few thousand years ago and not bother with trying to clean up this mess. In fact he has stopped us from flattening the earth ourselves, considering how much nuclear weapons are still in existence. But from what I know, God hasn't annihilated us yet... cos we are still here. But I don't think any single one of us humans can say that if they were to stand trial before God, that they would be completely clean... It's not possible. From what I have read in the Bible, it becomes obvious why God hasn't screwed us all over yet even though we all deserve it. He has chosen to give us a second chance to beg for forgiveness. Now if you commit a crime, you have a sentence and you can pay for bail... in this case it is a death sentence and to bail, someone else who is "innocent" must die in your stead.

God sent Jesus to live amongst us 2000 years ago, our timeline of our existence is measured relative to the lifespan of this guy if you didn't know what B.C and A.D meant. Jesus was essentially God in human form. He, being God, overcame the pathetic-ness of our existence ie. He was perfect. Truly innocent in every sense. He was killed by us, so that he could be the "innocent" death required for your bail so that you could actually beg for forgiveness and actually receive it.

If you tell me, I can't prove this... well I can blog about that another day.
But for now... Let me say this much about the crap we are force fed through our "education" systems... and everything we know about science.

IF something is not true at a small scale, it cannot be true on a large scale and therefore is not true at all. Let me give you an example, Carbon 14 dating will not work for a corpse of a cow that died two days ago. Therefore it will not work for a cow that died 200 years ago and will also not work for a cow that died 2000 years ago. Let me give you a counter example, Gravity works on the dust that is in your room, therefore it worked for the cannonballs dropped by Galileo Galilei dropped from the top of the Tower of Piza in the early 17th century and has also worked for all the moons, planets and stars you see in the sky at night as they are still there after all these years.

But back to my original topic, humans as they are now have NO future that they will EVER be proud of. Looking at human history, I don't think that there is a period or era that everyone on earth can agree upon completely as a proud moment in history. No, not even the Renaissance... As in the end we only thought of more ways to kill each other. Society as it is, is doomed and, if you'll excuse me, F**KED. Perhaps we should open our eyes to what is happening around us and see that we ourselves are the ones in need of help the most.

Perhaps I wouldn't be so keen about learning martial arts if everyone was perfect. But as it is, I do learn martial arts and am keen about being good at it for my own sake and for the sake of the people I cherish.

Hong Kong

Well... I haven't been bothered updating my blog yet since I've arrived... I've been pretty lazy... I've spent a lot of money on stuff... like HK$3300 worth of stuff... probably more. My bank account is probably hurting... seeing how I just paid for BLT Jan a few weeks ago as well... so yeah...

it's almost 2am over here... so about 4am Aus time. so I should probably sleep soon. I have pretty pitiful self-control to be up at this hour in the morning so regularly.

I'm starting to get irritated with the bombardment of hypothetical girlfriend situation/questions I'm getting from my relatives... It's making me think too much about where I'm at. Looks like I won't be seeing the end of it any time soon.

Vincent C

Self Reflections…

Some days I feel that deep inside I’m a perfectionist… Crushing myself over every little mistake even if the consequences of those mistakes didn’t matter. Some days I still feel like I am weak and pathetic, unable to live up to my expectations of myself. It’s those days and moments that make me act the way I used to act before I became a christian. I feel that if I am unable to meet even my expectations, what would other people expect out of me and what would they think of me… It’s why I hate team sports… you have other people’s expectations to meet… You are expected to be at a certain position or to know where a certain teammate is and you are expected to move and perform in a certain way… I was bought up playing individual sports… and so I have trouble keeping a wide perspective on the game, to be able to focus on the peripheral activity and process all the team information at the same time as focusing on the opponent right in front of me… When I fail to do something properly (not counting when I’m clearly outplayed, that’s fine… I can admit to losing, its when I screw up personally that is the problem…) I beat myself up over it… When I feel tired from running around, I feel like I shouldn’t be feeling the pressure… that I should be better than I actually am… that I am weak…. If I do talk to anyone, I always end up talking about my mistakes, and trying to make excuses for them….

Its time like this where I can barely communicate with anyone… I avoid people’s glances out of fear of their comments on my lack of ability… I feel really awkward and hesitant to talk about anything with anyone because I feel like I am inferior enough as it is… and that they will somehow, for some reason brush me off… It’s times like these that make me feel really anxious…

Before I became a christian, this was my everyday life… I hated who I was…. but even after being a christian… this… old self of mine… resurfaces every once in a while… especially in times when I need to work with other people… doing things that I am not particularly good at or brilliant at…

I don’t even know why I’m typing this… I just feel like I should spill this out somewhere… I feel like I have giant attitude/mood swings…. but its more about how I perceive myself. One moment I am optimistic and carefree… the next second I am a pessimist and emo….

nyeah… that is all…

Footsteps in the Sand

Today I was driving home in my car and I was listening to Relient K in my car and it got to the last song of the album… And the song is called Deathbed. It’s a fantastic song in my opinion… and it’s about a guy who’s life couldn’t have possibly gone more wrong… A life that is truly pathetic and pitiful… yet its a life you see so commonly around society… His father left his mother when he was 8, he gets addicted to alcohol and smoking at 14, gets married at 21 after getting his girlfriend accident, his relationship with his wife is very tense and unloving, he ends up getting divorced and the wife takes custody of the children and he ends up spending his days drowning his sorrows with whiskey and trying to distract himself by playing bowls. He eventually contracts lung cancer from his years of hardcore smoking and his lying on his deathbed. He reflects on how hopeless his life was… How sad and miserable it was… but as he was dying he remembers that at one point in his life he had accepted Jesus Christ as his saviour. And he clings to the hope of going to heaven because of it… and surely enough, as he dies, Jesus appears before him and takes him up to heaven with Him because of his faith. and the song ends with the famous lines from John 14:6 but slightly modified for the song “I am the way, follow me and take my hand. And I am the truth, embrace me and you’ll understand. And I am the life, and through me you’ll live again. For I am Love” … John 14:6 is “I am the way and the truth and the life. Noone comes to the father [In Heaven] except through me.”

It also reminded me of a poem named “Footsteps in the Sand” and it goes like this.

“One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along
the beach with the Lord.

Across the dark sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed
two sets of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to him and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the
very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life there is
only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you most
you would leave me."

The Lord replied "My precious, precious child,
I love you and would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints in the sand,
it was then that I carried you."

Now you might be wondering how these two even relate to each other… So I will explain myself.

Like the song I see that so many people have seen so much pain and suffering in their lives, with no direction and no hope or reason to live… and it’s very disheartening really. Life is like an obstacle course, and a very difficult one at that. and Jesus is always near us whether we believe in Him or not, whether we trust Him or not. He has already gone through the obstacle course of life as a human 2000 years ago and he passed with FLYING colours because He is God and He came down here to save us from ourselves. He wants to help us through life. And when we hit the part of the obstacle course where you have to cross the Grand Canyon on a tight rope, we struggle and we are clinging to the rope by the tips of our sweaty hands, Jesus is standing next to us with arms reached out waiting for us to reach out to Him so that He can carry us through to the end of the course. All we have to do is TRUST that Jesus can do it… Because we know we can’t do it ourselves… So you have nothing to lose.

The picture above is of Charles Blondin. A legendary tightrope walker… He is carrying his manager on his back as he is walking across the top of Niagara Falls on a tightrope. Life will push you into these hard times, imagine crossing the falls by yourself… I know I’d be crapping my pants, almost paralysed with fear… But like the image above, Jesus can carry you across… and although it would still be scary as hell, I know I trust Jesus to carry me through life more than I’d ever trust Charles Blondin to carry me over the Niagara Falls.

But yeah… That’s my interesting sharing for today…

Eye of the Relational Storm

Recently I have found myself falling into this state of anxiety almost... Perhaps I'm starting to feel almost envious and a bit hopeless as well... I once wrote here about weddings once... about how I can only feel happy for someone else's relationships when I can see a blossoming relationship that has developed lasting and strong bonds like the roots of great trees... Well recently it seems like there has been so much news about relationships and engagements going around, both good and bad news, that it has kinda made me feel a bit lost... Not knowing where to go almost...

I've had people come to me for advice on relationship issues... and while I only would want to help my friends in the best way I can... and I try to give the best advice I can through... it feels so ironic and a bit saddening, because why would you ask me? (Well ok, maybe thats not entirely true, as more often than not the other person would only say they don't feel to happy and then I ask why... and eventually they ask for my opinion/advice) It's ironic because what do I know? I haven't actually had any experiences with relationships... I don't know what they are actually feeling... I only try to imagine or speculate... For me, deep inside, I feel frustrated because I have no idea what's really happening... it's like the blind leading the blind... I guess I feel a little saddened and a perhaps a bit envious because they had a relationship to start with.. but still I guess one of the real reasons is that I always get left wanting...

Yet I hear news about friends and people I know that are getting engaged and getting married or have just started dating etc etc etc... While I feel happy for them... I still feel similar feelings as what I just said above... I feel two faced... Deep inside, I'm still don't really feel happy... I dunno....

Ah well... maybe one day... I should go eat dinner... its 10pm...

I R Monster

You know something is wrong with you when people are afraid of you, and it got me thinking and I've come to the realisation that I have a severe lack of control over the amount of force I utilise. I have come to dread to game of touch footy, reason because people complain against me for using too much force... In fact I think I get that/will get that reaction in almost all social team sports games I play. I seem to accidentally hurt a lot of people... and I swear it must run in the family somehow, cos my brother had similar problems I think :P. It makes me afraid of making physical contact with anyone, particularly girls... I've accidentally hurt someone from a nudge, to a poke, a slap on the back and all sorts of relatively normal gestures.

I've even hurt myself because I got over-excited once... Last year at UF camp, we were playing dodgeball... And I managed to give myself an extremely bad grass burn on my knee that I still have quite a big scar from now. I crouched down as I pegged the ball and being overexcited I scrapped my knee on the grass... Didn't notice the burn until like 30 minutes later until I calmed down from the excitement...

It's probably a result of simply excessive amounts of adrenaline I guess... But yeah... When people tell you they are genuinely afraid of you when you play sports... You know its a bit of a problem...

See, if a task requires me to be gentle and controlled then I can force myself to do it but most of the time there are no restrictions... And I will inevitably use excessive force. I mean this problem even carries over to my talking and me playing instruments or in any activity I could potentially get excited over... I can talk really quitely and suddenly just talk like a megaphone... and when I play guitar I always get told that I'm strumming ridiculously hard... yet I feel like I'm just playing normally.

But yeah... I don't think there is any kind of way of restraining it... Which is kind of annoying... So yes... I hate playing mixed touch footy... cos I always end up hurting someone...

I mean I am much better at individual sports/challenges that require no restraint whatsoever, particularly full body exercises... Stuff like obstacle courses and rockclimbing or just running around like crazy or martial arts. The reason for that is probably the fact that I do not need to restrain or be gentle because I don't need to make contact or friendly contact with anyone...

But nyeah... I dunno... Random thought...

Focus

Some days I find that life as I know it is so distracting. I feel that there are so many petty desires in my life that just bog me down and hinder my every movement and every thought. Just to think of all the things that one doesn't have, material or not, just really puts a hole in the hull. Just thinking about these things causes me to trudge through a day in misery unable to work or be productive, unable to feel joyful. Thinking about me, and the things that I wish I had, that I don't have makes me sad.

I find that I can only really become joyful when my focus becomes fixed on something greater than myself. When I devote my time to conversing with people about God, doing research and doing my best to spread God's word I find that I experience a joy that I cannot normally feel in my life. When I go to be part of worship at church, I feel a joy that I cannot find anywhere else. I just wish that there was no need to do anything than to do these two things in this life. I wish I wanted nothing more than to do these two things and nothing more. Life would be so simple, so joyful. But yeah...

I heard a passage on sunday, went something like this. Philippians 1:21 "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Some days I just wish that I was able to be an unrelenting disciple, wanting to serve and nothing more. I have prayed that God take my worldly attachments and desires away from me, that I could live solely for Him. But, God has chosen not to do that, though I know not why. But nyeah.... Confusing... When one doesn't know what God wants of him...

Life isn't a walk in the park huh? With the storms and the calms... The highs and lows... Sometimes God feels so close, yet sometimes feels so distant... But hey... Enough of this..

Spritiual Warfare : Online

No this is not the newest MMORPG out on the internet. Instead I am referring to forums online in which christians and non-believers wage spiritual wars upon each other. Youtube is a massive spiritual battlefield and over the last few days I've been posting replies on one song on youtube and have been defending the faith and have been using bible references to "fight" these "battles". But it has come to my attention at just how ill prepared I actually am for these things. Sure I am a staunch christian, and sure I now quite a bit of stuff about what the bible says about certain things. But everytime I was about to make a point, I always realised that I didn't actually know where in the bible it says something and anything. I've heard or read about a verse before about a topic, but I don't ever really remember where in the OT or NT it actually says that. If you go to Youtube and look up any christian song, you wouldn't need to scroll down past about 5 lines to find some heated arguements to and fro between non-christians and christians.

But yeah, I guess most importantly though is that there is probably nowhere in our society that has more open and intense spiritual warfare than there is online. Unless you in Pakistan or something or your getting martyred somewhere for your faith. But in a first world country, you won't find and place with more open spiritual warfare than online. Why is that? well I reckon it's because you have a false identity, noone knows who you are and noone is going to remember you for who you are. People have nothing to lose but perhaps have something to gain. They can safely hurl insults or perhaps share something that's of importance because noone knows who they are and they will never find out. It's probably the same principle as to why people wear ski masks and stuff to perform bank robberies and to mug people. To hide their identity.

But I guess to tackle these things, and doing apologetics related stuff, is to be prayful about it I guess and wear the Armour of God in the most MMORPG sense possible haha.

Read Ephesians 6:10-18 :
The Armor of God
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

UQ Archi Camp!

Hello all!
As some of you may know, I havn't been here for the last 2 days, and as the title suggests, I was away at Archi camp. It was pretty darn fun I'd have to say, although I did forget to bring plates and cutlery which made eating a little bit problematic. But that aside, I reckon we had fun. We went to Yarramalong, which I can hear alot of you saying "where the heck is that?" and it was indeed in whooooooopppwhooop cos it was like 40 odd minutes past Ipswich I believe. South-west of Ipswich. However I'd have to say it was pretty "back-to-nature" as there was about 3 actual buildings there which were basically tin sheds... a hall, a toilet/shower and some random cabin haha... The water to the toilets were cut after 8pm and weren't turned on until 8am each day... which caused abit of toilet problems haha and apart from hilariously disgusting spraying urinals and random crap like that it was quite enjoyable haha. Now that I've been to two Design Camps since I went to the QUT camp last year, I can say that in terms of natural exposure, the QUT camp was much closer to nature than this trip... This trip... I saw one dragonfly, a few crickets and one mouse. Last time I saw hundreds of insects of every kind, and goannas that invaded tents and all sorts of stuff... And the reason for the insects was that I have a battery powered fluro-tube lamp... and fluro tubes are insect magnets... last time I turned it on at the QUT camp, 2 mins and I could hardly see the lamp with the amount of insect swarming it... This time... 30 minutes... and not a single insect on it.

Kinda funny how all these "tough" guys seem to be afraid of these small little critters though... haha... I woulda just left the mouse in the tent for laughs... but then they'll probably have destroyed the tent :P

I got really bored on the last day and when we were packing up the stuff and destroying the shelters, I was practising my throwing skills with a big sheet of card board and some scissors :P But hey. haha...

When we got back to uni, first thing we did was go back to SLC though :P...

Frustration about Arrogance

I don't really know, but recently I'm getting frustrated so easily by possibly ordinary things... But it's not like I get frustrated at everything... but only things that people say or do that to me feels completely unreasonable or unnecessary... The other person may mean to say things as crude gestures or perhaps humour... But I just feel a wrench in the gut and wanna slap the guy across the head... Or sometimes its just people showing off or being arrogant... and I just wanna knock some sense into them... I mean I don't get frustrated at work or at people who make comments out of reason or have a reason for doing things or are simply accident prone.

But I do get annoyed at people who make comments out of plain stupidity. Dumbasses who know that everyone would've figured out what's happening or would've noticed whatever is to be noticed but noone has said anything because it wasn't appropriate to say or to avoid making everyone feel awkward but still has to spit it out without a friggin thought and I just get so incredibly frustrated its not even funny...

Other times is just people doing things or saying things with no sense of humility whatsoever. Most of the time the things done is appreciated... but the way in which it is done is plain outright arrogant. Yes, you can arrange for certain things to be available for use, and that's fine, you know people that can help, you have connections. But you don't need to boast about how cheap you got it or what not... cos sure, you may be doing a good deed... but what is ur reason for doing it... if you are doing the deed just so people can see how well connected you are and how "influential" you are... then you're a fag... If you're truly doing it out of kindness, you do not need to walk in with a friggin spotlight on you, practically saying "Look at me! Look at me! Look what I can do! I can get it better than you can but way better deal" (reminds me of he friggin 7 year old kids I teach at swimming, "Hey Vincent, look what I can do! Watch me, Watch me!". In fact if you were truly kind, you would do things without as much as simply saying "Hey, If we need this then I can help with it".

What I hate is when people insist on paying for you, even when you don't want them to and you have the resources necessary to look after your own bills. It's ok to shout once in a while if you have the resources to do it and the other person doesn't mind. But when you refuse to accept the other person's money even though they can and don't want you to pay then that seriously annoys me. I have a friggin job... I can make my own friggin money and I can pay for my own friggin food... I don't need you paying for me... If you do it once in a while as a kind gesture then sure ok... I get to return the favour in the future sometime... But when you do it all the friggin time to everyone... then... (and maybe I'm just being unreasonable but...) I don't think your doing it because your kind... I think your doing it so that people can see how much money you have... enough to freely chuck it away and not care about it... If you are so friggin rich then go share your wealth to the people who ACTUALLY need it... go help the homeless and support charities, make donations, just don't spend it on me... and I'm not saying this as a cruel gesture at those people and organisations because they can't help themselves, but I am saying this as a SERIOUS note... Those people rely on others to help them survive. If you are so able, then indeed, go help them. But if you are just shouting other people non-stop so that we can see how rich you are then go shove your gold-plated vault up your ass...

Now I know I sound angry... and I actually am, which doesn't happen too often nowadays... and while there is nothing wrong with the deeds themselves... its just the way people do them and how they retell and talk about these things that really piss me off... I just don't like arrogance... and boastfulness.... Sure we are all human... we all fall into the same trap of pride... and I'm certain that I'm no exception and that people probably get annoyed at me sometimes for being up myself. But I acknowledge that and I try not to be like that... and while I can't avoid at least being mildly hypocritical as I am still very human, I guess this experience tells me what other people might think of me at times... It might be simply that they don't voice it as much as I do... but... yeah...

Or maybe I'm just being unreasonable or maybe I have simply completely and utterly misinterpreted other people and their actions and choices... Which is possible... I can't say I'm particularly sharp lately.

Neways... I am REALLY tired... Architecture is draining me so badly...
Alright... Rage end...

Crazy Hectic Day...

Today has been crazy... I had an absolutely packed schedule... one of the rare few occasions that has ever happened.

Well first off... it is uni holidays and it is saturday... but I spend 10am-3pm at uni doing work.... then I went home... and had to get ready for my bro's engagement party at Rebekah's church... this is the second one btw. I left the house late at 5:25pm... I was meant to be there at 6pm... And then I got friggin lost... and ended up at friggin Mt.Cootha... cos I've never used the Hale street onramp before... and I stayed drove past it without realising what I was meant to do... and I realised far too late that I was ages away from it. And so I ended up at the Church at friggin... 6:24pm... lol... and I started the journey with 4/20 sections of my tank of fuel and finished on like... 2 sections... I was meant to be at a birthday party at 6:30... but because I was late... I was obliged to stay a little longer at my bro's thingy... so I left the Church at 7pm... and went to the city... and got frustrated with weekend street parking and ended up paying for multi-storey carparking... and I got to the restraunt at like... 7:30... which is bad... Buy the end of the dinner we went back to the Birthday person's house... and I arrived with 0/20 sections of fuel remaining... I was quite scared that I wouldn't have enough fuel to get home, or to the nearest petrol station. After hanging out for some more we all went home... and I was praying pretty darn hard all night to have enough fuel to make it... remember that my car is telling me that I have NO fuel left... and thank God that I made it to the petrol station lol... surprisingly enough I had been provided with 7.65L of fuel remaining in my tank... which meant that I could go for like... an additional 100km before my car died... Prayer work huh? anyways... yeah... Crazy day... Kinda stressful too lol...

Neways... thats my story for today...

Healing Wounds

I was discussing with a friend today about relationships and what plans God had for them. Even BGRs between christians can fail, there is no arguing that, sometimes they just don't fit together well, some just undermine a good relationship from the inside. We are still fully human, fully weak and inadequate. That means that we still hurt each other all the time. We make mistakes, and we can make the same mistakes over and over again and in a way end up bringing our own pain upon ourselves by the lack of patience and self-control. God calls out to us (christians) and tells us when things are not right, when things are not pleasing to Him... And when things don't please Him, they are naturally unhealthy for you.

Humans have a habit of walking into beartraps of sin and disobedience even though we KNOW that it WILL hurt, we end up being spirtually emo in a sense where we are inflicting pain upon ourselves by not listening to God yet we feel so tempted into walking into them, you know a relationship isn't going to work, you know if you go out with that person again that it will not be better if they haven't undergone major change... You know your walking into a beartrap and you feel God calling you back and you have a feeling in your heart that God doesn't want you to do it... But... you go for it anyways, hopeful that he has changed but have no proof of it... and guess what? It ends up failing again and you are wounded once more.

These wounds bleed anger and clog up our relationships with other people, they make a mess of our emotions and we flatline our ability to be joyful. We end up hating each other, holding grudges against each other, and we always say things take time to heal. But... I don't believe that... When people say, things take time to heal it is only because they arn't prepared to be healed. They wish they were, but they are afraid of actually going to get healed. All that time it takes to heal these wounds and mend this relationships is basically people trying to build up the courage to step forward and accept the treatment. Its like a fear of needles basically...

I hate it when I see my friends who are in relationships fight over things in their relationships... If you need to be defensive in your relationships... If you need to defend yourself from the other person... Then aren't you basically hastening your relationships demise? Why fight over things that aren't important? Don't we all become absent-minded at some stage? Are you not being a hypocrite by saying "Why don't you do this?" or "How can you forget that?" and then sooner or later you forget to do stuff or say stuff? Of Course you are... Do hypocrites exemplify Godliness? no... Then what makes your relationships Godly if you continually judge each other? Isn't the aim of being Godly, being Christ-like one of the major side effects of knowing and loving our Lord Jesus Christ? Then if you are in a christian relationship, why do you fight? sure u disagree sometimes, different people, different opinions... but there is no need to be angry, to make each other guilty or to make the other feel bad for things that they do that don't agree with us... That is not Love... And Love is what God designed to make the world go round.

The emblem of BCAC is what we know as the Four-Fold Gospel. It exemplifies 4 Major "roles" that Jesus has. The Saviour, The Healer, The Sanctifier, and the Coming King. Jesus is the healer... all through the bible, Jesus healed the people who were faithful INSTANTLY. Those people WANTED to be healed, and they were willing to go whatever lengths they were capable of to get to Jesus. How many times has Jesus said "Your faith has healed you" or something similar or that the text says that the person was healed by faith? More times than I care to remember. So what makes our wounds any different? Whether its a relationship under stress or your in the aftermath of a broken relationship, just come before Jesus willingly without fear and be healed. It will only heal as fast as you are prepared to allow God to heal you. Cos seriously, if you are brave enough to ask someone out, then at least have the courage and humility to attempt to maintain it. Ask God to help you, as we are weak and face it, we are pathetic, good for nothing meatbags. But through God we have strength and power and JOY. Put God as number one priority and everything will fall into place.

Having said all that, and it may seem that I am speaking very aggressively about this. And maybe I am... As I feel somewhat like J.D to a point from scrubs... can't remember the episode but he goes hardcore rant about other people and their relationship problems. And truth is it is quite easy for me to say all this as a third party observer of someone else's relationship. And I respect that when it is actually you who is standing in those shoes that it is hard to see things wholistically... Your so close to the problem, with emotional attachements and all, that it is quite hard to be able to step back and see the bigger picture. And it can all be very overwhelming and it is very easy to become impatient with God and trying to do things in other ways and end up digging a bigger hole for yourself. And again having said all that, all is only my opinion, I have no proof of this and I don't actually know how hard it is because I've never been in a relationship before myself. So this is merely based on a mental construction of relationships that exists in my head, and it could be far from the truth.

Neways... That's my rant for today

Stupid Flies...

I went to UQ today for my orientation for Architecture, and after about 4.5 hours at uni they gave us free lunch. Now today was a mildly hot day, and flies were pretty rampant. Just as the food was ready, as I was reading through the material that they had given us, a fly flew straight into my ear and lodged itself within my inner ear and I swear it was pressing against the cartridge and stuff in my middle ear. For 20 odd minutes, I was shaking my head around like a dog out of a pool. And it didn't work, I thought I was gonna need to go to the doctors to get them to pick out the fly for me.

Funny enough, it didn't really gross me out persay, at first you could feel it wriggling around as it was lodged tight in position, and making buzzing noises. And then once it started to calm down a little bit, you could feel its feet moving against the side of your ear. I'd have to say it was slightly tickly. yeah... it's not a common experience... not a really good one either... I was more worried about the potential ear infections though. Anyways, after deciding that I could possibly pinch my inner/middle ear by pushing into my ear from behind my jawbone, i managed to squeeze the stupid insect out.

Yeah... that's my tory for today...

Work training day...

Yeah, I had a 9 hour training course today at work... Today as in Sunday... I was whinging for about a week and a half away from it because it killed my whole day, and I would miss out of going to church, miss out on the bible study, and miss out on the church worship team training sessions that I was meant to be at...

But I guess in the end, a part of me missed going to church because I couldn't be with other people... I couldn't be with my friends... And I know that these are wrong reasons to be wanting to go to church. And although I have significant genuine reasons to go to church, I still have this urge to be there just because of friends.

So I had a week of being pissed at work because of these arrangements. Though in hindsight I realise that I probably need to reflect on my priorities for going to church and how it will affect my christian walk. I guess I still have problems at times with letting God be number one in my life... taking priority over everything else... but hey... Nobody is perfect and I'm still "work in progress" I guess...

anyways... 9 hours was pretty crap :P
thats enough for now