Self Reflections…

Some days I feel that deep inside I’m a perfectionist… Crushing myself over every little mistake even if the consequences of those mistakes didn’t matter. Some days I still feel like I am weak and pathetic, unable to live up to my expectations of myself. It’s those days and moments that make me act the way I used to act before I became a christian. I feel that if I am unable to meet even my expectations, what would other people expect out of me and what would they think of me… It’s why I hate team sports… you have other people’s expectations to meet… You are expected to be at a certain position or to know where a certain teammate is and you are expected to move and perform in a certain way… I was bought up playing individual sports… and so I have trouble keeping a wide perspective on the game, to be able to focus on the peripheral activity and process all the team information at the same time as focusing on the opponent right in front of me… When I fail to do something properly (not counting when I’m clearly outplayed, that’s fine… I can admit to losing, its when I screw up personally that is the problem…) I beat myself up over it… When I feel tired from running around, I feel like I shouldn’t be feeling the pressure… that I should be better than I actually am… that I am weak…. If I do talk to anyone, I always end up talking about my mistakes, and trying to make excuses for them….

Its time like this where I can barely communicate with anyone… I avoid people’s glances out of fear of their comments on my lack of ability… I feel really awkward and hesitant to talk about anything with anyone because I feel like I am inferior enough as it is… and that they will somehow, for some reason brush me off… It’s times like these that make me feel really anxious…

Before I became a christian, this was my everyday life… I hated who I was…. but even after being a christian… this… old self of mine… resurfaces every once in a while… especially in times when I need to work with other people… doing things that I am not particularly good at or brilliant at…

I don’t even know why I’m typing this… I just feel like I should spill this out somewhere… I feel like I have giant attitude/mood swings…. but its more about how I perceive myself. One moment I am optimistic and carefree… the next second I am a pessimist and emo….

nyeah… that is all…

Why Do People Like Clubbing?

So the thought that occurred to me today was "why do people enjoy or want to go clubbing?" I mean, what do you do at clubs? So you dance, you drink, and you interact with random strangers that you most likely will never meet again. So unless you are like a uber pro street dancer and like to show off your leet dance moves... What do you go to clubs to achieve? What do you gain from going to clubs? Are you there thinking that you will somehow meet the guy/girl of your dreams and just somehow meet up like some kind of fairytale? Are you there just to get wasted? Are you there just to check out some "hot" guys/girls? Or are you there to just flirt around with randoms? Is it a combination of the above or ALL of the above? Well, logically, there is no real overall gain in doing any of the above, and there is no way in the world that fairytale relationships can possibly come out of clubbing. Sorry to burst the bubble, but love at first sight is a load of crap and does not happen. Do you enter a relationship with the intention of it being temporary? For the general, sane, population I would think the general consensus would be no. (I guess some really insecure people who think that having a relationship is the only thing that matters even if they don't like it, but as a public image, must have one anyways). So if you go to a club to look for a relationship, what are the underlying desires that trigger you or "magnetise" you to a particular person? Their looks of course. But since when has the look of a person ever defined them as who they really are, you know nothing about them, and you don't know what they are like apart from the particular mood that person might be in at that particular moment, in that particular environment at that particular stage in their life. So what makes you think that if you get into a relationship with this person that you think is the hottest person this side of the milky way, that they truly are who you think they are? With utmost certainty, that relationship will fail, and you will be shattered and depressed by it, and by nobody else's fault will it be that it failed apart from the fact that it was a stupid place to look for a relationship to start with.

As I said above, the people that go to clubs do not have any great intentions in mind. The guys that are there, if they are single (and most likely so), what kind of things do you think are going through their mind? Being at a co-ed school and being the giant sponge of a human that I am, I soaked in the rumours and gossip by merely passive unintentional eavesdropping. Just the "rowdier" boys and the kinds of things that they say and talk about was enough to disgust me. All they cared or wanted from a girl was pretty much in one word, sex. (It's the way of the modern world if you haven't already figured it out for yourself). Now you go to a club, and you have hundreds of these like-minded people, I'm REAL sure your gonna find that brilliant, fantastic, flawless, guy of your dreams that has real dedication and commitment to you and truly loves you for who you are... Not... lol... You are pretty much dooming yourself to a failure of a relationship before you even start. I guess this is why there are so many darn divorces these days, people just don't use their brains to think things out and to delve into the culture and the minds of others to understand the motives of people and their desires.

Now, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that people who go to clubs, will be flirting away at each other, and "checking" each other out. Some looking for one night stands (mainly guys? I dunno about the girls on this one, but I guess if your a slutty one then sure you'd think like this too), others (pitifully) looking for relationships. So, you supposedly indulge in this "eye candy" stuff. But... how great do you feel after the night is other? When your in that taxi heading home, half drunk, how do you feel? At the time you feel, high? I guess, but... long after, you don't feel happy or any happier. If your taken, then I'm sure you would feel guilty, since you know how weak you are... How easily shaken your supposed dedication and commitment to whomever you are with is... How pathetically weak your mind is... If your single, well maybe you might feel a bit guilty, and at the same time depressed. Clouded by your lust, you WISH you had her/him. You waste your time speculating as to what kind of person they are. You hunger for some kind of affection/love that comes from a relationship. And also you realise just how desperate you have become for it. Sounds kinda pathetic doesn't it? Well, that's because it IS pathetic.

Well, if you go to clubs to drink, to get drunk in other words. Then why do you need to get drunk? Does it make you happier? Do you think it will somehow solve your problems? Do you think that being drunk will make you more appealing in anyway? Do you think you are even likable drunk? Sure, since you forget everything when you are absolutely smashed, it's like a temporary distraction from whatever is going on in your life. But do you think that it will somehow make bad things go away? No. Rather than drinking away your wealth (probably hundreds upon hundreds of dollars) and your health and your livelihood (drunkenness causes much domestic distress), shouldn't you find better ways to deal with problems, finding a better source of strength and dependence? (I sure wouldn't depend on alcohol to solve my problems and I definitely wouldn't use alcohol as the strength upon which my life stands, I'm sure a lot of people so though). Besides, being drunk and disorderly, changes you. You are not who you really are, you get angry easier, you lose your judgment, you lose your intelligence and whatever brainpower you have. When you are drunk, you do really, really stupid crap, a lot of which are unsafe or dangerous. Like I said before, about the intentions and the sleeping around stuff? Well, even if you wouldn't do it while you were sober, if you are drunk, you are capable of doing all sort of stuff. It's what a lot of people go to these places to do... Get drunk and get laid. Sad truth.

So what is a GOOD reason to go clubbing? I (in my biased christian perspective, though my christian perspective is biased in a good way) can see none. There is no JOY in clubbing. If coming out your none the happier, then why did you go in the first place? Sometimes some things just seemed like a good idea at the time to do, but you have done it you think "Oh my god, what have I just done?". You feel guilty, you know you have done something wrong, something you shouldn't be doing. And the intentions and thoughts that people carry into clubs are sinful, and dirty. They are stained black with lustfulness and sexually immoral ideas. But, for most people, they don't know any other way apart from this. They are but slaves to the devil. Sure they think they are enjoying themselves, but are they really? Do they feel content? To enter repeating cycles of doomed relationships, to be drunk and disorderly, to feel like a desperate animal during mating season with nothing but sex in mind, would you really be content? Do you feel loved or wanted for who you really are? Would you want to live like this every week or to some, every day? Well, I'm sure my answer would be a big NO! You might think it's an over-exaggeration... But, look around you, you see so many broken relationships, one after another, you see families being torn apart by substance and alcohol abuse, you see people's ruining their lives with this kind of lifestyle. This is the worldview, this is our secular society.

I remember my maths teacher, Mrs. Taylor, telling us these great words of wisdom. "You do NOT fall in love, you GROW into it, the ONLY thing you FALL into are potholes." So if your looking for something that would even remotely last, I'm certain clubbing definitely ain't the place to look. Of course there are much more that I could blog about on this topic... But I think I'll spare us from a massive unending stream of text... at least for now anyways... (As you can probably tell, this blog isn't really here to make friends haha... I like a bit of controversy... Gets people thinking I guess...)

Remembering Instructions...

I understand why my parents would sometimes get angry at me, sometimes I intentionally postpone and procrastinate from doing what they want me to do, like doing chores and stuff. Sometimes I unintentionally forget about things, which sometimes has resulted in me double or even triple booking a specific time frame because I have forgotten my previous commitment... (which shows how things I find highly important can override the memories of the less important things to me that I am still obliged to do.)... Sometimes I remember parts of the instructions and forget the other parts... Which is what has just occurred to me... Tonight my mum is away at a competition and won't come back home till 8 or 9 or something... And she said that dinner will be steak, and told me to prepare in advance so that when she gets home, she can cook quickly... She told me to cut up some stuff as well as prepare to steam vegetables... Well... I only remember that I need to cut onions... but I don't remember how many... I know I need to steam cauliflower for 4 minutes... and I assume that she meant use the whole thing... But yeah... When she comes home, mum will be frustrated again lol... Ah well can't help it... I've cut the onions... now I should probably go and cut up the florets of cauliflower... I think that's what they call em...

The Minds of Children

Some of the kids I teach are rather excitable and kids in general do not think before they speak once they enter their excited states. I was doing school learn to swim today, and one of my classes consisted of grade 1 kids. Children are quite forgetful and will take ages to remember your name. Children also don't listen or pay attention to their environments while they are in their excited states, which means that groups of children tend to ask the same questions 2-4x the number of children there are in the group cos they ask you a question and get distracted while you answer them and they ask you again.... and again and one more time just to see if you get annoyed. And so even after 2 lessons they still didn't remember my name, which wasn't an absolute surprise. But then they began asking a million times "what is your name?" to which I would answer "Vincent" half a million times, cos most of the time they would ask the question simultaneously (You learn to become really patient). Then for some strange reason, a child asks "What's your mum's name?" and there I stood thinking "wtheck does that have to do with swimming?" so I answered "Does it even matter?" and a loud "YES" came from the kid. I didn't end up telling them my mum's name lol. But 2 seconds later, a kid yells "How old are you?", being honest I said "eighteen"... then the kid asked "Are you a teenager?"... You'd think even a grade 1 kid would know that if you're in your teens, you're a teenager right? So I gave a blunt "yes". What started to get me worried was when another kid went "Does that mean you smoke?". That's when I really thought "WTH... where do these kids learn these things from?" cos they do go to a private catholic school, so you'd think their parents wouldn't be that bad if they would send them to a private catholic school. Of course my answer was "No, I do not smoke"... But then what followed was "Do you have a girlfriend?" and this was coming from a grade 1 girl... Instinctly telling the truth I said "No, not yet anyways"... Immediately, "Will you have a girlfriend soon?", I wasn't getting annoyed by the billions of questions that were being thrown at me, but I was wishing they would stop asking these weird questions that I didn't expect to come out of a 6 year old. But being completely honest I said "I don't know, I don't know" and the same girl made a rather surprising outburst in an extremely loud voice, "HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?" like it was a crime to not have one lol... And some other kid asked "Are you married?", which I simply took as naivety, cos wtheck I'm 18, and how many people get married at 18? Ok so you do get those rare NAIVE people that do that... but... It's not common and I'd say it's defnitely not recommended from both secular and christian worldviews.

These definitely weren't things I'd expect to hear from a group of grade 1 kids. But it got me thinking, what on earth at their age could possibly make them have that kind of impression or expectation of a mere 18 year old boy? What are they seeing or hearing that would make them link teenager = smoker? They don't comment on me being asian (as some kids do ie."why do you have black hair?" (yes I've been asked that before)), but they think teenager = smoker?

Also, what are they hearing or seeing that makes them think of "romantic" (and from the discourse you hear occasionally, potentially sexual) relationships at THAT age?? What would make the kid even ask whether I have a girlfriend or not, like it was vastly important to them? Why would a child of their age even value romantic relationships on such a high scale?

What do these kids being exposed to in society that would lead to that kind of thinking? What kind of TV programs are they watching that would lead to this? Are mere children's programs and cartoons enough to create this kind of thinking pattern? I think not. Children are sponges, they absorb everything they see, and copy everything from people and things they like or respect. That could be a cartoon character or a person from a TV show, but what about parents or older siblings as well as celebrities in the media? and those accursed children's magazines that they read. And maybe we ignore it, but music too. Why do you think we have see so many try hard gangsta kids these days? Think about popular music, think how much of it is about love and relationships... and gangsta music? how much of it is about sex and other dirty, unholy things? And children seem to pick it all up. I cringe at the sight of a 3rd grader trying uber hard to be gangsta. And those magazines, are filled with crap about the private lives of teenager celebrities and mostly about their relationships and other crap that noone with an ounce of wisdom would give a crap about, would poison the mind of children to think that is a norm... Such is reality... and such is this generation. With such wide access to overloading amounts of information, one has to be seriously wise to know what is worth knowing and what is not, what is true and what is a lie and what is the reality of their lives and their environment and what comes from other place and is not applicable. Children.. generally do not have that kind of wisdom, they are naive by nature as wisdom comes with age, exposure and mistakes.

Even at our age, late teenagers and early twenties, we are still being influenced by all the above immensely but perhaps at a less naive level as we have made plenty of mistakes by this time. But seriously, we have been or are still being influenced greatly when it comes to our expectations of other people, ourselves, relationships, whatever...

God help us all... cos this world that we live in is one bloody screwed up place...