Some days I feel that deep inside I’m a perfectionist… Crushing myself over every little mistake even if the consequences of those mistakes didn’t matter. Some days I still feel like I am weak and pathetic, unable to live up to my expectations of myself. It’s those days and moments that make me act the way I used to act before I became a christian. I feel that if I am unable to meet even my expectations, what would other people expect out of me and what would they think of me… It’s why I hate team sports… you have other people’s expectations to meet… You are expected to be at a certain position or to know where a certain teammate is and you are expected to move and perform in a certain way… I was bought up playing individual sports… and so I have trouble keeping a wide perspective on the game, to be able to focus on the peripheral activity and process all the team information at the same time as focusing on the opponent right in front of me… When I fail to do something properly (not counting when I’m clearly outplayed, that’s fine… I can admit to losing, its when I screw up personally that is the problem…) I beat myself up over it… When I feel tired from running around, I feel like I shouldn’t be feeling the pressure… that I should be better than I actually am… that I am weak…. If I do talk to anyone, I always end up talking about my mistakes, and trying to make excuses for them….
Its time like this where I can barely communicate with anyone… I avoid people’s glances out of fear of their comments on my lack of ability… I feel really awkward and hesitant to talk about anything with anyone because I feel like I am inferior enough as it is… and that they will somehow, for some reason brush me off… It’s times like these that make me feel really anxious…
Before I became a christian, this was my everyday life… I hated who I was…. but even after being a christian… this… old self of mine… resurfaces every once in a while… especially in times when I need to work with other people… doing things that I am not particularly good at or brilliant at…
I don’t even know why I’m typing this… I just feel like I should spill this out somewhere… I feel like I have giant attitude/mood swings…. but its more about how I perceive myself. One moment I am optimistic and carefree… the next second I am a pessimist and emo….
nyeah… that is all…
Well, you're not the only one who does that. Remember, though, that God's perception of you never changes.
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